The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
