You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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