My Higher Power is John Stamos
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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