I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
