dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
