My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
