Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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