Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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