he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
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