He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
