hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
