So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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