Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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