As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
