Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
