My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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