i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
