i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
