ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I deserve this hangover.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize