oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
