I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
