I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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