I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
