I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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