Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
