If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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