If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i now understand why vodka
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
