Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
