what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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