shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
