when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
