I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize