Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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