I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
