aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
