Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
being pregnant is like rehab
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
