I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
