I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
