She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
