Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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