dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
