tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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