I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
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Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
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