i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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