my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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