He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
