Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she peed on how many people?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
