New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
