You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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