Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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