Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I need a burrito and a hug.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
