saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
