billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You ruined the universe
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
