i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
