mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
