My hand turned me down
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
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Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
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She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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