Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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