So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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