Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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